Psalm 63:7-8 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul CLINGS yo you; your right hand upholds me.
Not sure why we have moments like this, and not really sure sometimes if they are more about me or her. Since last night, I feel those overwhelming emotions bubbling up inside me. Everyone expects us to be over-joyed with excitement for the weeks ahead (and we are), but only those who have gone before us or are in our same boat truly get it. I find myself holding back my true feelings and emotions for fear that someone will think that my faith is weak, that I'm always seeing the negative side, or that I need a pep talk to cheer me up. Have you ever heard that a mother's heart is only as happy as her saddest child? Well, sometimes that's how I feel...for a child I have never met on the other side of the world.
What our daughter will SOON go through is not something you would ever wish upon your child, not to mention what she has already been through. These things are not something I'm worried might happen, but something that has already happened and will continue to happen over the next few weeks and months to come.
True, we sometimes do need to remember that God is in control (He knows and sees ALL); but I still find myself dwelling in those negative and untruthful thoughts even when I know better...but what kind of mom would I be if my heart didn't break for my daughter who will soon be ripped from the only home, "family", "sisters", and bed she has ever known to be put back into an orphanage in the next couple of weeks. We are told this is to help the child have time to disconnect from the foster family, therefore she will bond and connect to us easier when we get her...I see the silver lining there, I really do...but oh how I can't hold back the tears and emotions when I think of it (like right now).
There are a few blogs we follow when I get the chance (which is not that often), but seeing the fear in these little faces, and hearing their cries when their adoptive families come to get them is just heart wrenching. I think to myself, "Who are they crying for?" Sadly, I don't think most of them even know, but they do know that it is NOT for the people who are there to take them...people like us. It's crazy to think that our day of joy we have been waiting and praying for will be her saddest day...more tears. Those of you who have given birth can remember your children coming into the world with a big screaming cry (our's certainly did...especially Mark), but then they are given to their mom and they are instantly calm, secure, and quiet. Well, that is usually the opposite of an adoptive child at the age she will be when we get her (21 months).
So, today, I cling with everything in me to God's promises has given to us -Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." That is what God is doing for her now, so I continue to pray for her and all the changes coming her way. Oh, how I long to see that first smile, hear a big belly laugh, see her hug her big brothers on her own, kiss her daddy, and hear her say that one word that makes me melt, "Mommy" (Chinese or English I don't care) while reaching for me...Me! Until then, please forgive me if I am not as excited as you think I should be...God is just changing my heart to match hers.
Sorry this is not a "feel good" post, but it's what we are experiencing right now.